Christmas Postmortem

As i have posted in my previous article, i took some effort to decorate my computer desk with Christmas decos. I love Christmas although i'm not celebrating it because of the religion, it is the love and merry feelings it brings. (Of course the hot chocolate and presents count too) *wink*

This year's Christmas came without warning and under radar. I wasn't surrounded by Christmas songs and there was no planning for Christmas' Eve nor the Christmas day. We decided to take whatever that comes. As usual Kean picked me up after work to his house on Christmas' Eve and the best thing that happened was his mom, aunt Laura and Zen Zi prepared a table full of delicious food! We were so full by the end of the day that we don't even realize the time until it's 12.30am. There's no exchanging gift as i'm broke and Kean is too busy to shop. Hmmm i don't even know if i am disappointed or not..it's just like any other day, which i thought it would have been different...ok i am disappointed but it's ok, i get to spend it with you and only you. *Hugs*

Cream-a-h-o-l-i-c

Ever since i quit my job, i have more time and less money. And because of that i have to utilize all that i have with me now to avoid more spending. I took some times to search around my house for things that i can use during this period. Look what i have found: below is the amount of hand/foot cream that i have, and most of it are still half full. Maaayybbbee i really have a dry-cracked hand? =p

~Christmasu~

Sob what a poor poor Christmas this year (yes, you're going to hear the word "poor" very frequently from me nowadays). Since i have plenty of time at home i decided let's make my room a lil more festive for the coming Christmas.

(A lil deco using my old christmas stuff)

Me and Dancing

I was exhausted when i get home late today. But after i found out what had happened, i have to say something. This is not an angry article nor it is a cover-up, it is just me trying to tell you about dancing. A dear hobby of mine.

To briefly explain the situation, there are some of our society members that has misunderstood what our dance group is representing and are doubtful in what we have got to offer. The first thought that hit me was: Since when dancing is wrong? I do not know in this particular event if the blame was put on the dancers, activity or dance itself. It just doesn't make sense to me, do you? To be frank i was pissed off at first, but to understand the potential of seriousness with this miscommunication, i want to set the record straight.

I am a dancer from Danzity group and i have been with the group since June 2008. Albeit it doesn't seem like a long period i can tell you what i see in this group. We have students of different ages coming to dance practice on time. Parents sending theirs kids to the dance class or even joining themselves. Meetings are conducted frequently to discuss the well being of the group so as for the activities that we conduct. Dancers spend hours of time in the studio for performances (charity purpose or vice versa), i don't see a problem here. Let's talk about the dance and dancers, for example, breakdance. B-boys do not born to know how to do the breakdance. All the back flip or head-spin skill don't just come naturally. They require tons of hardwork. To improve you need to be focus, determined and self-discipline, through their hobby dancers pick up qualities that benefits for a life time, what's wrong with that?


Maybe i shall put it in a much simpler way. We are a group of individual that love dancing and are driven by this passion to improve ourselves. We learn to have fun, to express our feelings through dances and make friends that shares the same hobby. We consider ourselves as athletes and are just about the same with everyone else in sports. We treat our life seriously and work hard to achieve our goal. Nothing is bad about my hobby. Something that is so simple has been complicated in so many ways, why?

The committee and dancers had put in much effort to pull off the activity, with aims (quoted from idance blogspot):

The aim of all our activities remains unchanged ...that is to

· To introduce and promote street dancing as a healthy alternative pastime

to the youth of Penang
· To counter negative vices such as loafing (lepak culture), vandalism,

illegal racing (‘mat rempit’), drug and alcohol abuse
· To be exemplary youth who make a difference in society

that lead a healthy lifestyle.

With prayer our intention shall not be misunderstood again.

Fresco Night Out

Hey to you all out there that miss me tonight....or not. (Not that i really care) Really glad that i brought Fresco(my dog) out for a walk just now cause he seriously need some exercise. Honestly i think my mum thinks that she's feeding a pig instead of a poodle so ended up now we have an obese dog. Poor thing is thrilled the moment he gets into Kean's car, panting heavily out of excitement. In fact, he hasn't been out for quite some times, that's because he's dirty and smelly, which of course is because the owner is too lazy to give him a bath. *grinz*

When we arrive at Kean's house the first thing he saw was Alexis (Kean's Jack Russell), the 2 months old "terrorist" that defeated him last time. He ran towards her not to declare war but to start smelling her butt...eh hmmm Fresco is a big boy now...*wolf wolf!* Alexis was confused for a moment and start biting him on the neck when she realize what he's doing. Fresco seems like he felt nothing, i guess all thanks to the obesity. After dinner we took him and Alexis for a stroll outside the house, boy is he excited, this time i even took off his leash just so he can run freely.

We stopped by aunty Laura's house for some cakes and coffee later at night, she has two poodle of her own, mum Tasha and daugther Dutches. The previous time Fresco meeting with Tasha and Dutches was not very pleasant as they were too excited to have a male guest at home, so were this time. They were smelling Fresco's butt and chasing him everywhere, Fresco seems pretty scared. Funny. At one point Tasha the mother started "humping" Fresco...erm i guess she don't know what she's doing...haha funny shit to watch.

Finally we decided to leave, Fresco seems like he can't wait to get home and have a good rest. However by the time we reach home he wants to play the fetch and give game again. *faint* Well, at least he have his exercise today. =)

Could this be it ?

I made a decision recently about my life. Something bold (some say reckless) and something big. I have just resigned from my position as an Application Developer in Intel, which has a satisfying salary and a promising future. Instead, i will take myself out of the comfort zone to pursue, if i shall figure out, my purpose for life.

"This is your life, are you who you want to be?" - Switchfoot

I am actually panicking. Quiting my job without securing anything beforehand is risky. As you all know i am not much of a saving person, so literally i'll be starting all from scratch. Luckily, i have all the support that i need. Friends are worry but tried their very best to stay positive and advice. Uncle Kean is making sure i know what i am doing and put those thoughts into actions. Thanks, *hugs*

What important now is to find a direction. My mind had set myself free, the world is suddenly full of opportunities and hope, unlimited creativity is waiting to be discovered. My soon-to-be freedom is the ticket for me to do anything that i have decided to do. I am the key to success in this mission of life, yes i believe your life is to figure out who you are and what you is your purpose on earth. Let's not waste any moment in our life and be who we want to be.

A song that inspired me and might work the same for you:

THIS IS YOUR LIFE - SWITCHFOOT

Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead

Yesterday is a promise that you’ve broken

Don’t close your eyes, don’t close your eyes

This is your life and today is all you’ve got now

Yeah, and today is all you’ll ever have

Don’t close your eyes Don’t close your eyes

This is your life, are you who you want to be

This is your life, are you who you want to be

This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be

When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

Yesterday is a kid in the corner

Yesterday is dead and over

This is your life, are you who you want to be

This is your life, are you who you want to be

This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be

When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

Don’t close your eyes Don’t close your eyes

Don’t close your eyes Don’t close your eyes

This is your life are you who you want to be x4

This is your life, is it everything you dreamed it would be

When the world was younger and you had everything to lose
And you had everything to lose

Me and books

I love my books.

I love them although i might not have finish reading them.

I love holding them and smell that scent only book has.

I love pictures inside the books that gives a better vision of the words.

I love that Audrey Hepburn book that has lotsa picture of her.

I love O's Guide To Life just because is Oprah that i love.

I love my fashion magazines the mix and match the black and the yellow

My bleoved books i love you and i defintely need to get you a nice home soon.

Self-Discipline

Finally i have some hint on what is going on with me. I hope i can discover more and identify the root cause. The shortest that best describe myself lately : LAZY! What a loser. Stop being a loser.

It has been like what? 4 months plus since i work in this new position? And yet, i am still where i were 4 months ago. I suck in my production support, i do not know the difference and process of WM, WM II, WM Lite and WM 2.2, i have no idea what is ABAP...etc etc. I can tell that i am a loser in my teammates' eyes, my manager would agree that i am an useless employee. This is not how i want to potray myself to others. Loser loser loser. Tell you what i have just done. Three of my colleagues are having project implementation for the past two weeks so is only left Amit and i in our cubicles. I took this "advantage", not to focus on work, but to watch TVB series. Brilliant. Classic. This can be such a good time for me to study more and pick up, but instead, what have i done? Nothing.
Decided to think about it on my way to Kean's house after work. I started to see the pattern of my behavior.

1. Procrastination (on assignments dead line and issues)
2. Lack of initiative
3. Lack of self-discipline

I think the above can sum up my whole situation.
I need some principles and self-discipline. Rules that me myself must follow, with determination. Looking into his eyes just now i realize that i have had what i wanted in my life and it's my call to hold on to it. I love him, i love my life.
Just do it.

YOU make a change on ME

Hmmm how do i write this without feeding in to your ego? Hehe.



The days are still tough, just the difference is, the big difference is, i have you. It doesn't matter what obstacles or pressure one has, just as long as the moral support is there. A source of motivation, the reason to hang in there. I am forgetful (i'm sure you know that now *wink*), but the time that you have spent on guiding me through work and life, i will not only remember that but to practise it as well.

I love you.



The last thing i want to admit but have no choice but to do so.....you are a nice guy. =) *Hugs

You always make me smile

You cover the blanket for me

You explain stuff that i don't understand pateintly

You concern about my safety

You concern about my health

You make my hands warm



I am sure there is more of you that i can discover in the future, i would love to baby. Thanks for making a change in my life.

Trying too hard?

I love you.
They've always say you won't appreciate until you lost it. For those who had been through that know just what to do, but sometimes maybe have tried a lil' too hard. Tell me about it.

I had come clean to you about this before, but just not the whole story. I wouldn't want you to worry or...get annoyed. See? Last time i been out of relationship, i promised i will do anything to keep the next. It took me quite a while to get committed again, it's sure scary to want someone something this much. You always tell me to be myself. I just can't stop trying to please you..to smile a lil more, jokes a lil more, just be interesting a lil more. To be the one you would like, the one that you would keep. At the very same time, i feel so ashame that i am doing that. Everyime i am doing that i just stop myself from doing that. Aarrgghhh.

I'm sure the invinsible pressure is not there. But it's getting to me.

Now i'm feeling silly just to read what i just write. Ha.

8 March 08 - 晴

I would say days have been better for me lately. With a new job and new environment does help to take my mind off for a while. My mind had came to this state of peacefulness where suffocating moments no longer appear and the momentumn is back. It can be just a disguise form of numbness but i don't really care, as long as i'm fine now.
Say goodbye to the life of anti-social, i'm back people. Eager trying to make up for all the loneliness i felt these few months, i have been proactively taking chances at meeting new people as well as catching up with the old one. It felt good to be on the field again, mingling around helps to build up my shattered confident from scratch. Along the way it seems that my life has got it's purpose and goals again..such funnny emotional ride i am all alive and well now.
Am deifinitely going to make this year a life changing one, i am inspired by so many things and people. For instance, Fred is going to become a cabin crew in Singapore, who would have thought of that? I promised both to him and myself that by the time he came back, i would have done something meaningful that i am proud of. Charity will be part of the plan as my life i have taken a lot for granted, now it will be the time to learn to lay a helping hand. As for the rest, it is still too early to tell, as soon as i have a mind set on something i shall share again.
Sorry i have to tell you that the other night...my fault. Nighty night.

27 Feb 08 晚雨

Finally took my dinner and have a sit down with my lappie...damn hot today, what have happened to the world? It is a very distracting day at the office..i have done everything else other than going through my training material. *blush* In fact, i have no idea where to get started i am lost in the world of SAP, everything seems so important yet too lil' time to dig deep. Usually i'll just give up if things starting to pile up or spinning out of control....what a loser. Am considering every possible root cause...maybe i should start a time table and break everything into lil' module, maybe i should sleep earlier so that i can concentrate on office hours, or maybe i should seek medical consultation...maybe?
I don't think about you that often anymore..i think i'm getting the numb routine again, or that, i just switched off. Feeling much confident noawadays even with my chubby waist. ^_^ Although i still pretty hope that you're missing me, but what can that lead to? An affair? More secret kisses? I am disappointed in this. I wish you well and we will be friends, as always.

Teardrops On My Guitar - Taylor Swift

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see
That I want and I'm needing everything that we should be
I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about
And she's got everything that I have to live without
Drew talks to me, I laugh cause it's so damn funny
That I can't even see anyone when he's with me
He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right
I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night

[Chorus:]
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe
And there he goes, so perfectly
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause

[Repeat Chorus]

So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe get some sleep tonight
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
He's the time taken up, but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into..
Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see

19 Feb 08 晴

哎，晚餐又再吃得很饱啦。。。 =____="
不可以不可以
再吃下去肯定完蛋
不行 明天开始要实行我的超级减肥计划。。。明天。。。
已经输得很惨了 不可以连身材也被比下去
加油！

今天的orientation超闷的
昨天又睡不好
听着听着眼睛就眯上了
别担心 本人的睡功一流
不会给抓个着 =p

现在要乖乖去洗衣冲凉K书
努力才会有收获
老套但有道理
希望老天爷发现我的努力
让Intel快点发薪水给我
拜托了！

日记

我吓着你了吗
对不起
不应该这样的
只想在一个没有谴责的环境下
把我想说了很久的话
在这里 在心里 对你说
不能期待 不能奢望
在写下每一篇日记前念个一百遍
但写完日记后却想了你一百遍
怎么办
心魔放过我
别让我泥足深陷
很自私的爱着你
所以不可以害了你

Hug hug

如果有那么一天
再感觉到从背后传来的温暖
一双抱紧我的手
大概
就会愣住
然后
完全的笑了

你的手

站在你面前 又再感觉到那无力感
很熟悉的你 仿佛一个伸手 就会再次得到温暖的拥抱
别告诉我 知道了 要放开
放开现在活得很开心的你
我已经不再做垂死挣扎
只是剩下一些还活动着的脑细胞
像坏掉的播放器不断的重温着每个有你的画面
是后悔
没有握紧你的手
现在 那双手已经握着别双手了
我的手 还是空荡荡
畏缩的放在裤袋里
失去勇气的双手
已经再也没有它的用处了

Random

Who am i trying to lie..
i still miss you

I thought this is just another sad period, but it just won't go away, help.I am trying my very best to leave you alone, as you said, you're living a happy life now, i should not disturb that.
But who will care if i am happy now?

It is weird that i'm still sad after so long. You and me....nothing ever happened thus i thought it will go away easily...it won't. I heard your name again today...a chance of meeting you but i am still too weak to be exposed to you. I think i never realize how much you mean to me...i know it doesn't matter anymore, stop telling me that..

It's regret and depress and everything else that has got to do with you. I love you.