Degraded

I thought about it for a while..then i went back to work. I remember for a while..then i went back to dance. I think about you...then i sing the song louder. I erm...trying even harder this week. I watch them play the game, it always the same game the same rule..i felt degraded a bit..maybe you're right.

Random

Don't have much to blog about recently. The same old feeling is driving me nuts and i leave it not dealing with it. Don't have the intellectual capability to deal with it now that i sleep so little my mind are usually messed up. Ought to be healthier..seriously. My body is giving alarming signals honestly i'm a lil freaked out. I think i am going to die young living the life i live now...crap.

So What

So sleepy
So tired
So cynical
So funny
So lonely
So vulnerable
So strong
So fucked up
So what

Struggling to blog this!

So tiring this week itself, especially the past three days. I have been spending more than 6 hours averagely a day in studio teaching and practicing. There's classes and workshops and performances. Hey just got my first choreography up for performances at Hard Rock Hotel. =) How sweet the girls are being so supportive and brave themselves on the stage for me! There's definitely more to come i promise. Hugs.
So tired though..you would think dancing is a mere physical thing but god no...you need synchronization between your mind and muscles to create the muscle memory to remember the steps. Besides you need high level of focus during workshops and rehearsal to get it right the most effective way. Hence at the end of the day, the only thing you are capable to do is bathe and sleep. This is all good, working hard and seeing the results through mirror. I need something fresh though and more training on my foundation. Tried tutting, animation and glide workshop yesterday haha never thought i could do those too thanks Joel you're amazing.
More training coming for one of our major performances. And there's house workshop tomorrow ahhhhhhh damn everytime i wonder if i'll make it through the day. =____="
What a busy weekend and amazing how i still manage to be melancholy at the end of the day. Maybe not busy enough
Humming Lily Allen's song,
"Do you
Do you really enjoy living a life that's so hateful?
Cause there's a hole where your soul should be
Your losing control of it and it's really distasteful

Fuck you (Fuck You)
Fuck you very, very much
Cause we hate what you do
And we hate your whole crew
So please don't stay in touch
..........."

Random

Going to blog a bit before i sleep, a short one today. Was feeling quite unstable the last week and this so i asked a friend out for dinner. He said i should control my feelings and i agreed. I let my emotion loose last week, my fault. Hmm i should really have more activities arranged more friends more chit chat, it helps.
Btw, loving the band at Hard Rock the other night...Bright Lights from Matchbox Twenty they sang. Hmmm peace of mind.

Matchbox Twenty - Bright Lights

She got out of town
On a railway New York bound
Took all except my name
Another alien on Broadway
There's some things in this world
You just can't change
Somethings you can't see
Until it gets too late
Baby, baby, baby
When all your love is gone
Who will save me
From all I'm up against out in this world
Maybe, maybe, maybe
You'll find something
That's enough to keep you
But if the bright lights don't receive you
You should turn yourself around
And come on home
I got a hole in me now
yeah,I got a scar I can talk about
She keeps a picture of me
In her apartment in the city
Some things in this world
Man, they don't make sense
Some things you don't need
Until they leave you
And they're things that you miss
Baby, baby, baby
When all your love is gone
Who will save me
From all I'm up against out in this world
Maybe, maybe, maybe
You'll find something
That's enough to keep you
But if the bright lights don't receive you
You should turn yourself around
And come on home
Let that city take you in, come on home
Let that city spit you out, come on home
Let that city take you down, yeah
God's sake turn around
Baby, baby, baby
When all your love is gone
Who will save me
From all I'm up against in this world
Maybe, maybe, maybe
You'll find something
That's enough to keep you
But if the bright lights don't receive you
You should turn yourself around
And come on home
Come on home
Baby, baby, baby
Come on home
Yeah, come on home
Yeah, come on home

Change

I am absence in my life lately because i am too occupied by my sadness. All that i can see or feel is the problem the lost the pain. When you allow yourself to be in constant grief you're stuck with it until you decide to snap out of it. The longer you indulge in sadness, the higher possibility of you victimizing yourself. By embracing the pain you thought you were put in worst case scenario and that they should make a movie out of it. The focus is shifted from fixing the problem to merely how you feel. I hypnotized myself into a victim, forgetting he was the one. I am now waking up to the fact that i have no right to dwell over the situation because i DON'T.

I am changed.
I can barely recognize myself this morning looking through the mirror. I was wearing a one-piece dress, black cardigan and a pair of heels. Oh earrings and makeup too. Pretty and empty. Well everyone figure i must have recovered cause i tilt my head back and laugh, kicking my new heels and wearing makeups. The truth is i enjoy driving alone purposelessly and i took out the Jazon Mraz concert ticket from my purse. Very slowly, on my own pace understanding and accepting the change. The change is inevitable and sudden, is important what i can make out of this situation. I have so much love for him, now i am channeling the love to my family, my friends, my dogs, my work, my dance and still have plenty left for charity. I have been told some really bad news lately i'll pray for them even though i do not believe in god. I wish i could help.

I am grateful that i have a job, a good working environment with some really nice colleagues. Now that i spend most of my time in office i am trying to be more effective and productive. Colleagues gave advices and are really helpful i really appreciate that. My manager is an interesting person blessed with a baby girl lately, although he don't admit there's this fatherly-glowing smile on his face all the time.

Guess i start to realize how much i could miss out if i keep dwelling in the past. I still miss him everyday and i think it is normal, i like him being as a friend now, still concern and we can slowly pick ourselves up. It is a bonus that we are still friends. Thank you for being so forgiving about it.

I forsee a long healing period and some bumps on the road. I know what to do when it comes cause you thought me well.

Jealousy

Jealousy is such hideous act that i will try so hard to be out of it. Again there is no point of doing so now.

Random

Blog a bit before it's time to wash off the mask. Came back really late from work today..thought i'll settle off everything before i leave..cause tomorrow there's more to come. *swt* This week i am officially a first-level support cause the dev team opened a bridge where users can call in with their issues on the tool. Well at least someone to talk to. Yawn *stretch* the office can be so quiet and eerie at night. Was a bit worry walking to the car park alone as i park quite far away today..and when i see my car i felt touched..a lil..at least you're mine, muffin.
Skipped dinner today replaced it with Mamee and Apollo cake...and everything was ruined when mum told me there's Tom Yam istance noodle. Wtf. I'll skip tea tomorrow then,*finger crossed*

Winding Road

Decided to take the winding road tonight. As far as i remember i drove there once before, never at night. Got a best hits CD from The Corrs but i chose my MP4 instead..The Script, Zee Avi and Coldplay. There are some part of the road that street lights are not installed, i step on it anyway. Buses passed by they're closer than they looked, cars headlights are blinding my vision. Yet i step on it..had a glimpse on the dashboard the petrol is running low, dang.

"Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though is breaking.."

My cheek feel stiff from the dried trace of moisture. The crying together with the dry air from air-conditioner gave me a headache..the loud music is piercing my ear drums i pull the earphone out out out.

"light up your face with gladness
hide every trace of sadness
although a tear maybe ever so near.."

Gotta get home before 11.30pm before petrol runs out. A long week with Remedy 7.5 on the go. I canceled off whole week's dance classes and performances, no dance no beer these two weeks. Maybe i'll have more time for reading. Feels a bit vain after yesterday's shopping outing (yet addictive)

Why
My new heels never make me feel taller

"That's the time you must keep on trying
smile what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worth while
If you just smile"

Zee Avi - Smile (Charlie Chaplin Cover)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOoTbkZdQOY