Random

If you can see me cry the way i did that night and not do anything(you couldn't)
it is no longer my call to save this relationship

Don't Take Me too Seriously

I still want us back
I still believe in our love
I still miss you every single non-occupied bit in my brain
But i was told it doesn't matter what i want what i think
It is not up to me now
I know what i have promised
But i don't see a reason to live
well
Nor i can find a way to die
I just couldn't see the road ahead
Maybe i will one day maybe i will not
I don't want to say positive thing just to please others
No one can help
I can only help myself
If i want to
Stay tune

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

Random

I was standing in Tesco surrounded by people
I think i had an anxiety attack
Not only i'm afraid to bump into anyone i know
i'm afraid of the strangers walking around me
as if the whole world knew what i have done
and that they agree i'm a sinner
my hands grip tighter to the bottle i'm holding
a rush of fear came from within
my body won't stop shaking
I flee from the place
thought it would be better when i get home
no, my body still won't stop shaking
my sense of self had shattered
i destroyed my confident when i made the wrong decision
for i am a worthless piece of shit
i am closing down the doors
to avoid hurting anyone else i care
for i feel like a poisonous snake
i sat for hours tried to understand my fear and ways to pick up the pieces
i got nothing
i miss him
i know it must be harder for him now
i am sorry
I remember he said sometimes we just have to DO IT
guess that's what i'll do for now
DO life

Random

I almost lost the courage to wake up for work today
HOW WHY WHEN
I lost faith
mostly in myself
Keeping an observant heart
onto every move every thought every decision
such a waste
all we have had
i'm so sorry

Random

I am jumpy
Not knowing what will happen
Everything is showing negative signs
An old friend read my blog and sent me an encouraging message almost bring me to tears
Occupy myself with work so i can get things done and distract myself from tearing
Slowly picking up pieces that never seems to make sense before
Now i know
I understand
I put it in action
I talk to myself
Try to accept, just in case...

SHIT

I feel like shit
Listening to Zee Avi's "Someone you used to know" and the tears just came out of nowhere every drops of them makes me ashamed
Don't have tissue in my cubicle it wasn't prepared for this occasion. I feel hopeless and sad sorta have this feeling that it's not coming back, he's not coming back.
I am still trying to work things out, being around, making nervous jokes, little talk....holding on to every little faith left in this guilty mind. Trying to get through, trying to penetrate your walls of principles, desperately seek for any sign of hope. I felt cold and numbness non-responding hugs but i ain't giving up.
I feel like shit but i ain't giving up.

Random

Went to Borders yesterday during lunch time. I was sitting at my cubicle whole morning couldn't find an answer for myself. I thought i could get some help from books. I went through shelves of books searching for any of them with "Responsibility" or "Commitment" in the title, i couldn't find any. Guess there's lesson that they don't teach in book, but in life itself.