The Script

I was sad again for the past week. You know what i am so sick and tired of it. I have been listening to The Script self-titled album for weeks now and i only repeat 3 songs from that album. Over and over again. The Man Who Can't Be Moved, Breakeven and Before the Worse. Well one common thing among most of the songs from that album is they are dedicated for sore losers who can't move on. I have been a sore loser the past month and i love listening to them. Wasn't practicing very well in compartmentalization these days.
So after getting really tired drinking beer with friend last night, i cried and cried while driving back home. Again i woke up late this morning and while i'm on my way to work, i am annoyed, irritated and disgusted with this loser inside me. I mean what am i expecting? Nothing is going to happen even if i jump off the building now, if he couldn't care he wouldn't care. That's about it so simple, very simple indeed. Whatever that concerns him doesn't concern me anymore. I'm just a friend and i think deep down i am less than a friend because you know..things are different now. I won't expect anything, i really don't. So, i am bitter bitter bitter. (yes i have the right to be bitter too) But that is me while i am alone in my car or when i am sleeping. Stephanie is still doing a good job entertaining the world.
Anyway, just back from training and i am WORN OUT. Basically this is how my life is at the moment. There isn't much time for anything else.
I want to read books
I want to watch movies
I want to take photos
I want to chill with friends
I want to drink beer
I want to travel
I want to stop listening to The Script
I want to drive my car around and around
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I want to sleep and hey that's within my control!
Going to bath and sleep now
fuck life

Happy

Sick and tired about being sick and tired.
Let's blog about the GAY-ish thing that happened today.
Well kicking-off the list, i had a breakfast that looks more like a lunch portion this morning. Was hungry last night's dinner was toooo little.. Erm..nothing much about work..again dozed off on the way home...erm ok let's not talk about it..feeling exhausted dragged myself to studio for rehearsal. Oh yeah happyyyy to see Doris she came to see our performance! Pretty girl but it is stressful to have her at the audience seat watching me do whacking. Ahaha.
That's about it i think will blog more when there's more happy event.

可笑

昨晚硬生生地把眼神拉开了
不行 不可以让他看出我的 渴望
反正再怎么对望 结果还是一样
不想让他感到压力
一定要保护自己 唯一的办法就是想开吧
明白接受了 应该就不会再在意
不要伤心了 放不开的一方就是弱者
我不要抱着可笑的希望
可笑 太可笑 不好笑
努力生活着

The Wedding

Hey i did good last night, holding up pretty well and i'm proud of it. For once the faking is for the better good. Saw many familiar faces and i miss every single one of them...especially ah ma. *hugs* Ah ma is a happy grandmother she always smile and she's blessed with caring daughters/son and grandson/granddaughter. I want to be like her when i'm old. I miss talking to ah ma.. Aunty looks pretty last night can barely recognize her *hugs* Aunty Laura and Zen Zi promised to call me up when they make more cakes in the future. *hugs* Mak mak is caring and so kind of her *hugs* The two little boys as usual bugging me about FB games *hugs too* I didn't know the song is still a go it's different now. The food was good there's random jokes and small talks thanks angelina. *hugs* Daniel and Calixta..they are such happy newlyweds! My heart goes out to them can't wait to see the baby. *hugs*
The driving after the dinner was good, purposeless but allowing some alone time for myself. Patting myself on the back i was brave last night, no tearing no nothing. Glad to see that everyone else is happy.

Just tonight

Can't sleep, the eyes with tears are haunting me what have i done
I almost manage to forget his face his smell the hug
then tonight i remember his face his smell the hug
and the eyes with tears
i'm shattered all over again
Tomorrow will be better, when there's work, charity, dance and photography
Morning is always better, afternoon too, evening maybe, but not night.
Night always bring me down
My blogs are mostly written at night thus the melancholy posts
Can't think too much i look silly enough
I just drive and drive need the time alone
cry and cry need the courage to be right
bring it on, life
i'm throwing punches

Updates

Have 2 hours of free time before meeting up with Harpal for dinner. Here i am at Starbucks, coffee mocha, charging my MP4, editing photo, listening to lifehouse and writing blog. Doing it all. Alone but loving it.
Friday night was Grace's birthday and she organized an apartment stay over. Was fun hanging out with the rest and not dancing, haha something new. We watched midnight movies and play games then chit chat before sleep. We slept at 6am. *zzzzz* The next day i have a class before the Hard Rock Hotel performance. It's a blessing that i'm given the opportunity to teach others and happy to see others actually enjoying the class. After the class it was a chaos to rehearsal, makeup, dress up and packing at the same time. Somehow i am starting to get used to life like this. The performance went well i think, wasn't all good but imperfections make the next one even better. FIRE~ ahahaha wtf. Oh did i tell you our costume is like DOPE this time? We're all dressed up formally, i mean like ties and coats and boots and smokey eyes! Good show guys.
When we're done with the show we're exhausted and starving and thirsty. Took dinner around the area and i have Grace to drop me at the Jeti. I need to go over to butterworth to get my car. I am still wearing the performance attire, black trench coat, black dress, boots and deep black smokey eyes. Together with a laptop bag, i am still oncall. Reach Jeti at 10pm and the ferry arrived at 10.30pm wtf, both my personal phone and oncall phone were low batt and everyone is starring at me i don't blame them look what i'm wearing!
Get my car finally my baby i drove back to penang at around 11.30pm...kinda afraid i'll get lost in butterworth my phones they're still low batt. Driving and thinking about money...car payment..maintenance for bro's car...debts and studio fee..it's all i think about lately. Also moron's message telling me to take time..i suppose.

Isssh

Argh, bad decision making nowadays.
I speed the X times this week rushing for training
Drove around town at midnight yesterday purposeless
Staying up late almost everyday
Rather sleep than bathing my poor doggy
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Aaarrggghhhh getting sick
luckily the lump on my neck is gone...still dunno what it is
will TRY to sleep earlier tonight

Doggy

I miss that little doggy..i wonder how is she doing. Hugs

Random

The door that shut down is trying to open from within. Like an old ship water is leaking slowly and dangerously. Suppressing everything in down under beneath. Try not to bother, thinking leads to action and actions affect others. Forgive me i have to write it our here i am tired of explaining to others...i just want to talk to myself.
I can't be bothered with my guilt i can't go there or i'll be forever sucked in. Doing whatever that's right, again. So tired, i am not sure if i am up to the standard i have for myself, the things i want to achieve things i want to fix. But this is just the beginning of the redemption journey..i need courage from within. Still under the paranoid criticism on myself, it was something the incident left me with. I fight every thought of me minding what people think about me, i can't be bothered now. I have always care, not now. Doesn't mean i chose a road against the norm of life, i just need to protect myself from my emotion and move on. Be better, see?
Funny thing is now i feel silly for being dramatic previously. What for it will only annoy people. I will deal with my own issue, not expecting anything from anyone letting it be.
I need beer
I need money
I need some sleep
Night Sam

Night out

We are performing at Hard Rock Cafe tomorrow for their soft opening =)
As usual training carried out at studio we are doing this 70's dance thingy it's hilarious. Imagine our guys are performing the Grease Lightning song haha John Travolta still the best.
Uncle Ky Mun sms and asked me out for a drink at Soi11 after training, together were his clients and friends. I am the only one went with a laptop bag and Digi broadband, *shame* i'm oncall. The music wasn't my kinda choice it was all trance i'm bored. I look around. Why do people come here? Cigarrates? Alcohol? Dance? Socializing? I guess most of them don't really know why they are here, so am i.

Zee Avi - Somone You Used to Know

It was helpless anyway
There's nothing much we could do or say
Darling don't you think it's a shame?
that it had to end this way

So here's to say goodbye,
our love is lost, and we cant figure why
maybe it really is about time
that we finally made up our minds

So Darling, here's to you
i hope that when you find someone new
that she would always be true to you
to love and understand you

Soon you'll build new memories
then slowly you'd forget about me
then i would slowly be
a distant memory

*Soon i'll just be
that someone you used to know
But darling you will thank me
for letting you go
time is not for wasting
i hope you'll find your intended
But i'm sorry
that your intended isn't me

it's not an easy thing
to shake off our history
i know that's what you want from me
but they will always stay with me

i admit i made mistakes
but darling with you it's just the same
if we stay there will be more to make
i dont know how much more we can take

Darling, it would be unfair
to stay with something no longer there
but it doesn't mean i no longer care
but i'd feel like a burden you can't bear

Random Update

Missed my alarm and the Sev 2 alert this morning. Shit. Sleeping proves to be a pain in the ass lately, confusing dreams are keeping my messed up brain awake, i woke up feeling crappy and grumpy.
Turn on the "auto-pilot" mode and i'm good to go, to the office. (was running late again *blush*)
Today was...not very productive in general, can definitely close more tickets and finish that Remedy 7.5 online training. Erm slightly distracted...i shouldn't have given it more than a thought..
Andrew forgot to bring the books, again. *dush*
Meet up and have dinner at Old Town, never like the food there. Calm and emotionless.
The thought about the wedding dinner worries me, lou dao ask me why i want to place myself in situation like this. "It's not about me, it's about the wedding couple on that night...(x100)"
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Taking baby steps
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Getting occupied
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Doing things right
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Planning on million other things i want to execute them all. Not knowing exactly why i am alive eating shitting sleeping working i just...still doing it.
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Friend

I lost a friend
Because you do not agree with what i have done
I lost a friend
I am still your friend
I won't explain there's no excuses
I hope we can still be friend

Compartmentalization

Was wanting to do some online learning for work project but the training media player would not load. Issh. Creating hundreds of ticket tomorrow complaining!
Was talking to grace the other day and she told me how guys handle their emotions. They compartmentalize it. No matter what happen they make sure one doesn't affect any other aspect of their life. While for girls, it is a big bowl of mixed feelings. Very true and not healthy. If you can do so why can't i? I took a shot. Well i must say it really work..i stop thinking about him and love and us. I just, you know, being emotionless. I packed my feelings and buried it somewhere deep down where it doesn't hurt. Miracle! I feel nothing..and that i think is good.
For the nights..it is still a lil hard as mind wander off easily. I still cry but wasn't that much now, for i am getting numb. I am going through each day doing things that i think is right(i hope i'm right this time) and not think about anything else.
I love you
no don't think about it
I miss you
no u don't think about it
I'm worry about you
no you worry about you and family and friends first
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alright alright i get it
Just do it