Confession of a coward

It's year end and i need to tell you.

Dear Aunt,

Sorry i don't have the guts to meet up with you, still. I have been missing you all this while and wishing you well. You have been very kind to me..sometimes i feel like you care about me like a mother. We have not met...for more than a year now?

I do not know what we should talk about if we met. I have always told myself i will meet you when i'm in my best condition but the fact is i have never felt ready. The guilt is holding me back from seeing you. Very often i'm wondering how you are doing and if you're still the happy mother i once know.

I respect you and i will meet you very soon. I want you to meet me when i'm a better person.

I miss you.

Dedicated for 2011

What is your compulsive behavior like?

Constantly refreshing your Facebook is one of it. Putting up the mirror checking on your fringe more than 10 times a day is. Buy every piece of clothing you can lay hands on is.

Mine?

My subconscious mind is determined to kill any optimistic thought i'll have or ever had. And i revise all heart-breaking piece of memory in my head every now and then. Whenever there's light of getting better, that teary eyes just snaps right back. That awful awful stares that pierce through my heart my conscience anything that is left of this guilty soul. See? Drama.

No more drama next year please.

Christmas

Christmas is never what i have imagined when i was little. Neither do this year round.

It is not all red and silver and cozy with people you love around. This year is a cold laptop and a dead application. I was oncall so i didn't make any plans with friends. I guess my application sorta anti Christmas as well so it decided to went down since afternoon. (一点都不顾我的感受..) Finally get to passdown at 11.30pm and spent what's left of my Christmas to have my very belated dinner. Glad mum made me a maggie mee else i would have had a dinner-less Christmas which is worse. LOL.

Start to consider i will not treat this day any special than other days in a year...less hope = more surprise.

Oh wait, i do have a very happy Christmas exchange-steamboat-dinner with friends at Christmas eve. Glad you guys are here this year..

Afternoon Nap

Mum takes nap with Fresco every afternoon if there's no customer. I am working from home today and got this. =) It just hit me several weeks ago that i must take more daily photos of my parents...well they are in their old age and there should be more photos to preserve memories that our brain would lost one day.

Note to Self

I am a girl.

Well i used to be a girl, but that fraction of my identity vanished gradually when i don't pay attention to it. Of course we all aware of our sexuality, but when you don't put effort to maintain that part of yourself, it abandons you.

I don't talk like a girl, walk like a girl, eat like a girl, smile like a girl, dress like a girl...so forth and so on.

In conclusion, i am a girl that doesn't behave like a girl. (Duh~*facepalm*)

Heroism in You

I don't need a hero to rescue me.

I seriously don't. I am well enough to take care of myself even though i might not have done a good job. If there is a pitfall i'm gonna take, yes let's do this because this is my life. My freaking life.

People bringing down the walls hoping they can rescue another Repunzel...well you have knocked on the wrong door. You would be a life savior if you approach as friend with advices and encouragement. Once you take ownership of the problem and the subject of the issue man you have crossed the line. There is never a set of rules that can solve all problems in the world, certainly not yours when you force it on me. I would very much like to go through this life experience everything it offers me, and fight my own wars.

Just want to make a statement for you heroes out there, with or without a cape.

Say Thank You

Almost the end of the year now. =) Other than feeling guilty over incomplete resolutions i had for beginning of the year, i want to check this off the list - deliver a simple thank you. (Took this picture just for you guys out there ^_^)

THANK YOU

MUM for preparing dinners all year long

BROTHER for being my brother

MELONEY for loving our family

BEST FRIENDS

(LC, YC, WL, KY, Dai Lou, Chao Lang, Kelvin, Jason..)

for all the great times(which i cherish the most) i have with you

GRACE for putting some sense to me when i need it

SEAN for the opportunity to learn

MELVIN for being the core of inspiration everytime you're here

JOEL for the hardcore foundations

VINZ for the best time in Phillipines

BYOKI for fulfilling my never-ending favors

STEVE for being there

EVA for helping the studio and us

WILLY & DORAEMON for all the funny and not so funny jokes

AMBER for working 24x7 to keep me cool

BOSS for kehpo-ing over my singlehood and being a great boss like you

HOOI MIN & WEN YEW for being a great new/good friend i have in my adult working life

KIM SOON for all year long supply of TVB series

PAUL for being the mastermind and dictionary

ELAINE & SELVI for always lending a helping hand

KUOK MING for constantly concern over my health

COLLEAGUES for making my working life a happy one

WILSON for being my friend from afar (ok not so far...just KL lol)

JEWEL for all you have inspired me

DC for everything in photography

KHAR LING & KAREN for inviting me to most of your photography sessions

MOOOK for being my best friend for years

If i do miss out anyone...you know i have you in my mind =)

Fine.

Nope no big deal.

Nothing really.

I'm used to it and it's my fault anyway.

So i'm gonna suck it up.

This is going to add points to that misery mind of mine.

Running

I have this vivid memory from Project Dance in Philippines. Second day of the workshop we were all gathered for a morning prayer, and Cheryl Cutlip, the founder of Project Dance, in her most graceful movement, showed us a dance prayer. I have never see that before but what she said next left me with thoughts..plenty of them. In between turns and smiles she said, "I know some of you here are running....you have kept running but you find no answers..". The word "running" never occurs to me but suddenly it make so much sense - i have been running all this time. Perhaps i thought by putting my hands on everything i can avoid doing one thing, being miserable. Nope na-daa, it doesn't work.

Then the other day i received a sms from a friend, he was hit by an image of me while he is praying. He described in that vision i was very lonely when there was no friends around. How the f*** did he knows that? Or i have that bitter word imprinted on my forehead!? Lolz. Either way i'm screwed. Picture an lonely old lady running in her high-cut shoes, looking for answers she knows but won't accept. *Puke*

I need some out-of-the-world wisdom to move on, or simpler, a rebound?

Snap Snap Away

Wow, it has been that long since my last blog update. *Headdesk*

Well you may say many things have happened lately and none at the same time. Why? It's all about the same thing i have been doing for the pass year - work, dance, photography, eat and very little sleep. Trust me you wouldn't want me to break it down to you, it's too tedious. Oh i guess i can share some about my photography experience..

The focus lately was on portrait which it's really not something i've set eye on at the first place. Most of the time i tag along in portrait session organized by my friends (very sweet of them) and on some occasion we have our private session. To be honest i prefer the private session as it is where we can have our concepts and vision for the photograph. I like to discuss ideas about the shoots and what to wear, how to makeup with the model a day or two prior to the shoot. With that my photos show consistency and outstand from others.

I believe in law of attraction and it has always applied in my life. Now that i show my interest in photography so as people showing their love to my work. I am getting more and more offers to portrait session, weddings and events. So far i have not plan to earn big shots from it but a little bonus here and there helps...i'm a very broke adult. *cry*

As far as i know October is fully booked. Looking forward to the fashion show this weekend. Let's go!

BITTER

I was coughing and had flu for the past few days due to the late night showers. As usual i wasn't paying any attention to it until it escalate into something serious. Monday i was coughing and sneezing non-stop in my cubicle and by evening i'm already a lil feverish. Drove my sick ass home and stuggled to get to studio. When i get off the car i picked up my phone wanted to sms someone/anyone to complains ("oh-loh" in hokkien) about it but drats, no credit. And also, i do not know who i should sms to. Seriously. So i went to Guardian, bought a pack of Panadol ActiveFast, break a tablet into half (kia-si) and swallow, together with my complains. Well, it has been this way for what i feel like a decade now. If there is an option this would be my last solution but...here i am..

我也要旅行

看着你的照片 揣测你的心情
都是雨天
我想你 你想她
怎么不是雨天
无论如何
照片超棒的！偶像 ^_^

A Cup to Hell

I have way too much coffee for the past one year. I think imma die from it eventually. If that is the case (unfortunately), please do come to my funeral with a cup of Starbucks.

Sam Sparro - Black and Gold

And the stars fell out of the sky
And my tears rolled into the ocean
Now i'm looking for a reason why
You even set my world into motion

I have been listening to this song the entire day. Head over heel my dear. A lil sexay whole lot of seduction - black and gold, black and gold, black and gold. If only you could see me dance to this song..then probably you would.. *the rest of the sentence shall only repeat a thousand times in my mind*

I feel a way of something beyond them
I don't see what i can feel
If vision is the only validation
Then most of my life isn't real

Stop asking me why - it's the same as asking you to chose between the ability to fly or being invisible. The question itself is not fair.

Holding back no longer seems that difficult must be a good news (to you). No biggie i find the grass greener when you stop trying to own something. Imma chill~picked that up yesterday. But i gotta have faith LOL.
Nonsense is hereby put to a stop. Night

RANDOM

I miss ah ma and the dog...i wonder how are they doing.

Midnight Ponder

I felt kinda different
although i am still just as terrified
but with a bottom line,
i ponder the possibility
however nothing comes easily
hence i am into it but forbid myself to be into it, entirely
that's the best i can do
do your best too

Proclaimer

There is a reason why being gloomy and sensitive always attracts people at first and irritates them later. You feel a little more than others they gasp over your delicateness but eventually when everything revolves around you and only you, you lost them.

I want to post this particular blog not to earn your sympathy, but understanding.

Somehow loneliness overshadow my busy schedule, i wonder how it find its way in. For a couple of times recently i remember and lived the past all over again. I recall vividly specific expression from you and experience the guilt, anxious, hoping and destructive rejects. I trembled how true they are to my heart, still. Well before you say anything, i didn't spend my time grieving away, in fact i'm the busiest girl in town. Dance trainings, performances, travelling, working, teaching, photographing..everything, everything that doesn't help anything afterall.

Sometimes i feel agitated when they say i am doing fine now. How do you know that? Capability to meet the minimal requirement of living and socializing has absolutely nothing to do with healing. That's just what i gotta do and i still feel what i feel, wack. At the same time, this is how i'm telling you i do not need your sympathy in any way. I have all the facts and advices laid down despite some unplanned breakdowns, erm like now. Do not take my gift of staying true to my feelings as a sign of weakness. As most of you would very much want to know how do you really feel, and god knows how profound this melancholy manifestation affects and assist in the growth of my dance and photography. I keep the depression quiet and steady within me, because i am not the only soul in this world. We don't bring others down with our problems, is the least we can do.

I would definitely want to remember you in a less painful way.

Splurged

Didn't think i will write another post in such short interval, but i was reading others and my hand goes gatal lolz. I was going through the mess in my room last night hoping to locate my long-lost belt but failed...instead i found a pair of formal slacks bought years ago. So today i have finally dress my age wtf hah. Wait, that means at my early 20s i have been buying aunty clothes and now i am trying to act like teenagers! LMAO! Speaking of buying/shopping/indulging (whatever you call it), i splurged yesterday..on a dress and a top and earrrings and bracelet *shit*, with the money that should have lasted me till the end of the month..me no hope liao. Lolz.

Cam-whoring in the fitting room, hope this wakes you up *wink*

Get Things Done Week

I have a hunch that it's gonna be a good week ahead. *smile*
Despite all the stress from last few weeks' competition and perhaps some hiccups in my recovery process, i am looking forward this week. (Just realized it's already passed midnight) It's decided - it's a Get Things Done Week. By saying that i mean living healthy too. There's some stress breakouts on my face again, not liking it.
Would like to spend some times for photography again...was pulling my hair when they post all kinds of outing sessions here and there..i certainly want to be a part of it!
****
Ok just came off from a chat with Jewel and the day would be this Wednesday! Lalala i am terrified! She's gonna turn me into something/someone else and it's gonna be a boom! Lolz. Looking forward =)

Let's get a good sleep now for the sake of the rest of my week, night people

Idiot

I am an idiot for getting distracted from the priority i have set earlier on.
I need to reduce the amount of time i spent on dancing and focus more on work
Seriously i am an idiot.
Gotta do something about it

Low and insignificant

More Random

The PMS luxurious package - mood swing is not helping in receiving and interpreting otherwise SIMPLE situations. Make me sound desperate, issh. Never fail to remind myself to live in the present and expect nothing, cakap aje, buat ni susah tau... I crave for intimacy between lovers spiritually as much as physically that sometimes i would dream about it. I know what you're thinking now haha please don't go there is not kinky.
***
I would do it with less comrpomisation this time
Yes
It means i really do care whether if it works this time
so
stay away
for your sake

Random

Drunk
Repeated a song for half an hour.
Sang to it over and over again.
Nothing ever resolved.
How to live without?
You just do
No question ask

Fish in the sky!

This is going to be a brief one.
After a hectic saturday i DECIDED to spend sometimes with myself and friends that i can be myself around them. Called up dai lou and chao lang for dinner in QB at 7pm, reach there 10 minutes before 7 and i saw people scattered around the coumpound outside QB. Lifted my head and amazed - KITES! Lots of lots of kites indeed.. ^_^ The next thing i found myself standing in front of the stall starring at the kites they sell. I lifted my head again and saw my kite, yes my kite haha. I pointed to that fish-like kite and the stall owner said it's the last piece and i bought it right away. I think i smile for as long as my kite is dancing in the sky. Oh, and i totally forget about the time and is 30 minutes late for the dinner. =p
It's a fish in the sky today!

we were once closed

Sigh it is not the same anymore
it doesn't feel like a team now
People with different goals and opinion
what was it that brought us together last time?

Plans

Let's see how many things i want to do, well in my head for the moment being :
(they are not in sequence)
1) Music music and music
2) Training training and training
3) Go to KL for more training
4) Read books
5) Photoshooting
6) My project
7) Expand my social cycle

***

There are actually many more tiny thoughts and plan pending but i can't retrieve the list from the back of my head. Now you see some of these plans (at least those that are mentioned above) contradicts with each other which means i need to allocate individual time slot for each of them. While i am doing one i wonder if i should have done the other. And no there is simply no time for any kind of social or whatsoever.

I wonder if time management works for a list that always have new items on it. Wait....come to think of it seriously i can't complete any of the task when i am not focus on the one i am currently working on.
*Like now i want to quit blogging to get to shower*

This is not an excuse for being wack but definitely it is an obstacle as i get distracted easily...
Bah
I need to get my list done sorted by priority and set a goal for each month

UPDATES - MARCH

I want to sketch again..the last sketch i did was Martin's (Coldplay)
Can't find my pencil nor do i have a sketch book these days
I am on diet..a month until my personal project kick-off *finally*
Hurt my ankle badly this time....loathe watching people dance...workshop on saturday...HEAL i said!
My current favourite song = Adelle - Make You Feel My Love (repeat it like 6 times a day hah)
Phone battery is dying...i think it's time to change a new phone, you think? *Last string attached*
Same old problem - it's taking too long isn't it?

Random

Another thought.
No actually there's too many thoughts.
Maybe i should spice up my social circle
but then again, where's the time?

Dance versus Decent

So what's with the conflict between female dancers and decent guys? Please let me know what's wrong with dancing, unless if you take those videos featuring some hot-pants girls touching themselves ceaselessly and start associating , then i am so sorry for your ignorance. Sigh..i am still a lady please, a make-you-a-desert kinda girl ok lolz.
Just a thought. (Paul is right, isshhh)

I am sorry. Friendship is all i can offer for your kindness...

Reading

I promise i will finish reading the new book i bought before i lost myself again in Borders. Oh wait, i think i should finish all the books i borrowed from Grace as well. Oh my god, where's the time? Whenever i feel slow and stupid i pick up my books. Checking through dictionary while reading is fun but only if i can remember all the vocabulary i came across. Sometimes i wrote them down, most of the time it's never revised the second time. *My bad*

Resign
Accepting something unpleasant without complaining

The only slot i manage to squeeze out of my tight schedule for reading is now, 4.41am to be exact. This is only possible because i am on noon-shift this week. Even so it is still causing me the extra coffee at the afternoon the day after. My manager is not going to like this, so as my pimples-prone face. Drats.
I need to know more to feel confident...sadly it usually applies only to the thing i have interest in. (Please let me know if self-discipline has anything to do with this.)

I skipped spring cleaning this year...*glance over laptop screen* ..books and bags scattered all around. Mum cleaned it up a bit before CNY and BEFORE CNY could come the bags and the books have found their way back on the floor, everywhere. *My bad again* I so trust eventually mum will burn them all, ever since she told me that when i was..13. =p
I need a shelf/shelves for my books...i will arrange them according to the size.

Since i am blogging guess there'll not be anymore reading after this...oh it's so late now..good morning penang.

Mission

I pray for recovery
when prayers are not answered
i wonder if a mission to be ultimately alone is necessary
throw myself into the dark
eaten alive by fear
scratch the wall break my nails
and reborn
then relieve
never too much of a drama compares to what i feel now

Random

It will be too sad to live in fear for this short mortal life. Mind soul action inhibited from normal activities due to psychological issue. Ironic enough at the same time only our own will power can make a change to this. I am no good at this.

Random

Don't blog or write my diary as much lately, i hate to admit some of my feelings. By writing them down means i have to think it through and maybe come up with some conclusion. No not just yet.
So it's Valentine's day and i cried a little. I hope there is someone but the fact is i am not quite ready for it. Maybe they all know, hence i am alone today. Being snobbish(a lil) as a nature of a girl, i do hope at times like this there'll be admirer(s) doing their "thing". Lolz. Hopefully it wasn't ruin by the rumor of me having a boyfriend. wtf.

Chat for a lil with a friend through MSN today, i need someone to talk to and unfortunately my friend wasn't really showing any interest, perhaps is CNY. At the same time, an acquantance message me in FB, she wants to talk about love, her fairytale just come true and she is gonna do what is needed to sustain it. A lil frank to talk about this to a stranger but i realize all of us need an audience, or as Grace said, a witness to our life. I wish you luck babe, fly over there and get him. =)


I need to get myself some fairytale.

Night Market

Hey me love Friday.
Just came back from a night market behind Grace's apartment. Omg it extend all the way down the road and make a U-turn back from the other side. Something funny happened and i can't share it here, Hooi Min you know what i mean. LOLZ. I'm a sucker for handmade stuff and yes i bought them. Ahhh is a jinx. Snakcs from night market are usually deep-fried, not a big fan as i grow older. (me no like zits) Random items i can remember: RM10 crock shoes, stupid chilly sauce, CNY decos and a brown poodle.

Me. Me and Me

I wish there are 3 split images of identical me

Stephanie, Sam and...Siew pak Yeng

Stephanie works like a cow

Sam dance like a maniac

and

Siew Pak Yeng makes time for family and friends

***

Stephanie drives the car

Sam choreograph dances

SPY cleans the room

***

Stephanie uses the left brain

Sam uses the right brain

SPY follows the heart

***

Stephanie communicates, understand, execute

Sam falls in love, empathize

SPY cooks him dinner, maybe dessert too

***

Stephanie is all dresses and heals

Sam rock the kicks

SPY...wear any clean clothes she can find

***

Stephanie solves tickets

Sam enjoys street photoshooting

SPY make healthy meals

***

Stephanie compartmentalize

Sam cries

SPY throw away the tissues

***

Stephanie went online to ensure the IDM team took care of the incorrect information

Sam gets into FB to see how many facebookers LIKE her pictures today

SPY will take a bath afterwards

No fucking way, 2010!?

It scares the crap out of me when i mouse over the bottom right corner of my desktop and it indicates 2010 - oh . my . god!

How can a year ends without me noticing and yet turned my world upside down and inside out?
Well i am pretty sure i didn't pass out on it
(kinda wish i did for the later of the year)
but but
i am turning 25 this year! Bloody 25 years-old!
Ok now the exclamation marks are making me dizzy, cut the drama
*
*
*
I would create an UNLIKE button exclusively for year 2009
Press Ctrl + A and hit Delete
No matter how much i have learned from last year
I wouldn't go all hypocrite and say thanks or hug the rusted year
What? You're saying i am blaming it to the year? Screw you
I say what i want to say HERE - THIS IS MY SPACE MY WAY
I deserve to get insane once in a while to keep myself sane most of the time
I can curse all the way and still have a blast for year 2010!
*
*
*
You stupid year 2009 i loathe the fact you made me start a whole new year brokenhearted
and persistently haunting me with your sadden memories
The meanest thing you've ever done is to let me be 24 where all mistakes must be handled with perfect sense and sorrows are supposed to left unspoken then compartmentalized
I wrote it all here my melancholy and when i read back it's as if you're rubbing them onto my face mocking me MY WEAKNESS
*
*
*
Dust in my eyes
Hair on my face
but i am still throwing punches
You better return my confidence before i bite your head down
I swear on my LX3 i would do it!
*
*
*
Hereby ending the madness
*
*
*
I come undone, year 2010

Grown Up Christmas List

Do you remember me?
I sat upon your knee
I wrote to you with childhood fantasies
Well, I'm all grown-up now
Can you still help somehow?
I'm not a child, but my heart still can dream
So here's my lifelong wish
My grown-up Christmas list
Not for myself, but for a world in need
No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
Every man would have a friend
That right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown-up Christmas list
What is this illusion called the innocence of youth?
Maybe only in that blind belief can we ever find the truth
No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal our hearts
Every man would have a friend
That right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown-up Christmas list
This is my only lifelong wish
This is my grown-up Christmas list