Your left brain

So i hated it
to be in a battle where in my conscious mind i know i will never win
or to be reckless enough to pick a fight
invade a space that has an entirely different dimension
and terrified to bits cause it look all-so-familiar

am i going to torture the fugitive to get the desired answer?
the sad truth is i am speechless when the gun is sticking up my face
peace doesn't come easily
not without a war
enlighten me
how do you win a war
from the notorious left brain?

Eventually
We all get beheaded and reasoned out

Sunday

It has been long since i'm actually liking my sunday. Was a bit reluctant waking up in the morning since i was up chatting over the MSN until 3-ish. Cancelled my lunch with Wilson (sorry uncle) to get prepared for an event at Hard Rock. Wilson offered me the opportunity to become the video camera lady (^_^) for Ocean of Fire album launching at Hard Rock Cafe. Got there just in time and thrilled to see some familiar faces (Jefferey, Daniel, Lih Sha, Jasmine and Ruth). Penang is really this tiny bits of island where everyone knows everyone else. Lolz.

The cafe was filled with friends and family and i was told that my friend Kelvin, the lead guitarist is going to propose to his girlfriend at the lanuching. Sweet! The band did really great, i was never an instrumental music fan but the play got me captivated. Officially hooked. Perhaps watching life performances brought meanings into the musicale piece. Bought their old and new album for myself and an extra one for KS. He would love this i guess.

So towards the end Kelvin presented the last song and he invited Marion (girlfriend) to sit at the front table. Marion was already crying while he's with his last song. I was standing aside capturing all these with a smile on my face. Then he put down his guitar and make his way down the stage. Audiences that were part of this "conspiracy" started cheering and Kelvin kneel down on his knee. The "marry me" question was answered almost immediately by a shout of YES from Marion, lolz. Simple and touching. *Congratulations!*

What a meaningful afternoon =)

It was while i am driving down the winding road that i realize i haven't taken breakfast and lunch yet (if only two onion rings and a cup of cuppocino counts) but i gotta have to must watch the dragon ball show in Gurney! Bryan, Fion , BBoy and Doraemon are dressing up as the characters in dragonball and i'll not miss it! Lolz farny when they do the Nobody dance. After the show it was gathering at Grace's new crib for house warming. Finally it's dinner time i was tired and starving. Caught up in MSN chat and i must have been too tired, got upset over something you said. Pointless though, me against the left brain.
*
*
*
I have a great day and it doesn't matter that i thought about the incident last night..

Not sensible

I am not making any sense
what am i thinking?
haha you tell me
i didn't realize i have thrown you a hard question
please don't crack your head stressing over it
maybe you should just ignore me :S
i am being riduculous
went to Borders this afternoon
standing in front of the poetry section for 20minutes
i do not know where to start
not looking for love poems defintely
something meaningful i guess
i went back with nothing
recommendation perhaps?
rushed back home to take charger earlier on
just so MSN can stay online
what does that mean?
well at least i know what does the poem means now
you(me) pessimist
everybody gets hurt

For you

I am proud of you my friend
You changed
It might have nothing to do with the incident
but it must have somehow affected you, or at least made you see something and learn from it
I am amazed
what a different outcome from the same situation
you would have laugh it off if you read this
but i am happy to meet the new you
the better you
ADD OIL aaaaaaaaaa
(me too!)

Procrastinating

One of my bad behavior, procrastinating...sorry i made you worry mum. =(

Random

I noticed a difference , pain no longer come with such intensity
I know it is still there, there's melancholy silence everywhere,
in my car in my head
i must be getting better
otherwise the numbness measurement must have gone to the roof
decided that i am just a homo sapien
i don't have to act as if i understand the hoo-ha and play along with it
i certainly won't place myself in situation where i am not comfortable with
that at least is within my control
i ain't no saint dude
what do you expect

Have yourself a merry little christmas

Christmas is around the corner ^_^
I have always love christmas, is about the merry songs, the tree decos, the story about mistletoe and the warm-buttery-cosy feelings during the festival.
I have a tiny-winy wish every year during this time..
to have a special Christmas day
*
so far my wish has not been granted
*
the chances seem rather slim this year
who would please
give me a Merry Little Christmas

Change

When things are out of your hand, you change
drastically or not
we all change
some update their Facebook status now when they don't in the past
some sleep less
some shifted their focus
some just don't realize that they have changed
i pray for those that are still stuck in the past
to have the wisdom to live in this moment
i pray hard for myself

Stupify

Yesterday I reached out to a friend that is not very close to me, but somehow i know she can help. She did...very sweet of her to stay up late even though she has a plane to catch tomorrow. Listening to her feels as if the words are coming from you. Yes you guys do share something in common. I know very clearly that i will not do anything to get you back, i am merely want to solve this myself. I haven't let go and it concern me and only me. Sometimes i would wonder why you never contacted me, then i remember you asking me what do i expect from you. Nope, i am not expecting this time. Decided to let things be. There's never a thing that i forced to happen get succeeded.
To be honest i still don't have a clue on how to move on. I still pray sometimes to a god that i don't believe in. I would do anything just so i won't have to remember. I pray for recovery, i pray for staying on the right course, i pray for acceptance and understanding. I pray for wisdom on this heartbreak. But then again i wake up to another dreadful morning and pick myself up to work, to life. Like hers my prayers are not answered, maybe i'm just talking to myself after all.
It is just so easy to stay occupied by a million things in life. But to really stay focus in them is the hardest part. I chose to reach out last night because i know i am weak and stuck in the middle of my messed up mind. I can foresee the cycle repeating itself, numbness is the next and i would think that i am fine again while i am clearly not....why is it harder this time? I still want to get stonned..i have talked about it a dozen times but never seems to have time for it. She is right i need someone to sit down with me...drinking could be a bonus.
*
*
*
H.E.L.P

Today

You know what? Today is not really a good day...i bumped into him i feel everything. Will read more books tomorrow, might help.

Random

It is the second time i fall sick in a month time. Ok i will take my vitamin C again..and sleep more. Sometimes feel like i don't have time to do my personal thing, that's why i sleep late every night to maybe blog a bit or read a bit. (Errr supper too) Dancing can takes up a lot of time nowadays i go to studio almost 7 days a week, working at the morning and studio at night. Now that is near year end hence weekends are mostly occupied by perofrmances. I don't get to hang out with my best friends..join them for movie or dinner. I don't spend as much time at home as i used to, don't even talk about making new friends, i can't give Khar Ling a date when we can go for street photoshooting..i miss cycling..i wish i can spend more time with my colleagues..
***
This is what i have chosen though, to involve in dancing, to develop my talent. For everything that i had sacrificed i dance a lil harder. I am teaching classes now, performing regularly and learnt to enjoy music. I have my own choreography and love to know people are loving it. I should not have any complain. There is a hollow part of me craving for whatever it is out there. Do you think a person can be diagnosed with depresssion when she is still able to laugh at a joke? Shhhh...they all thought that i have recovered..i should let them be. I want to get stonned...and continue living my life and get stonned when it gets too much..and solve the problem after that. It shouldn't matter as long as i am fulfilling my role as a daughter, friend, employee, dancer..right?
***
Night.

TRY/FAIL

So you try and try and try, and you fail and fail and fail. You try again and fail again..you try more and fail more, you try, fail, try, fail, try, then you get confused... and went for ice-cream break.

Today

Just came back from training..like half an hour ago. We are having a dance camp on 22nd and 23rd of Nov so Sean discuss with us on the workshops and activities for the dance camp, and how we can perform for Hard Rock Hotel at the same time. Gotta prepare a choreography, costumes, games some effort on my PR skill and find someone to replace my class maybe.
Edited a bunch of our halloween photos..love it, this is my first try on portrait i think it went pretty well. The halloween weekend was tiring..again i stayed up late to indulge in my private time and woke up early for rehearsal and performances..it was a fun weekend but physically i have had enough. Sleeping soundly is still quite impossible..DREAMING WITH A BROKEN HEART i guess wtf. Oh please let me continue with this, WAKING UP IS THE HARDEST PART...lmao.
I feel it coming strong today, from the moment i wake up until the end of training it never go away. I...without much thinking chose to listen to Breakeven in the car and there it goes. Ahhh ruined my effort for the whole week. I check the time is late but i can't stop crying so i leave my car walk home crying. Such a shame..i open the door mum is still awake watching TV and i am still crying. Fresco welcomed me as usual i pick him up and sit for a while still wipping. Mum didn't notice. When it finally stops i open my lappie and started to blog..so there you go. My day.

Degraded

I thought about it for a while..then i went back to work. I remember for a while..then i went back to dance. I think about you...then i sing the song louder. I erm...trying even harder this week. I watch them play the game, it always the same game the same rule..i felt degraded a bit..maybe you're right.

Random

Don't have much to blog about recently. The same old feeling is driving me nuts and i leave it not dealing with it. Don't have the intellectual capability to deal with it now that i sleep so little my mind are usually messed up. Ought to be healthier..seriously. My body is giving alarming signals honestly i'm a lil freaked out. I think i am going to die young living the life i live now...crap.

So What

So sleepy
So tired
So cynical
So funny
So lonely
So vulnerable
So strong
So fucked up
So what

Struggling to blog this!

So tiring this week itself, especially the past three days. I have been spending more than 6 hours averagely a day in studio teaching and practicing. There's classes and workshops and performances. Hey just got my first choreography up for performances at Hard Rock Hotel. =) How sweet the girls are being so supportive and brave themselves on the stage for me! There's definitely more to come i promise. Hugs.
So tired though..you would think dancing is a mere physical thing but god no...you need synchronization between your mind and muscles to create the muscle memory to remember the steps. Besides you need high level of focus during workshops and rehearsal to get it right the most effective way. Hence at the end of the day, the only thing you are capable to do is bathe and sleep. This is all good, working hard and seeing the results through mirror. I need something fresh though and more training on my foundation. Tried tutting, animation and glide workshop yesterday haha never thought i could do those too thanks Joel you're amazing.
More training coming for one of our major performances. And there's house workshop tomorrow ahhhhhhh damn everytime i wonder if i'll make it through the day. =____="
What a busy weekend and amazing how i still manage to be melancholy at the end of the day. Maybe not busy enough
Humming Lily Allen's song,
"Do you
Do you really enjoy living a life that's so hateful?
Cause there's a hole where your soul should be
Your losing control of it and it's really distasteful

Fuck you (Fuck You)
Fuck you very, very much
Cause we hate what you do
And we hate your whole crew
So please don't stay in touch
..........."

Random

Going to blog a bit before i sleep, a short one today. Was feeling quite unstable the last week and this so i asked a friend out for dinner. He said i should control my feelings and i agreed. I let my emotion loose last week, my fault. Hmm i should really have more activities arranged more friends more chit chat, it helps.
Btw, loving the band at Hard Rock the other night...Bright Lights from Matchbox Twenty they sang. Hmmm peace of mind.

Matchbox Twenty - Bright Lights

She got out of town
On a railway New York bound
Took all except my name
Another alien on Broadway
There's some things in this world
You just can't change
Somethings you can't see
Until it gets too late
Baby, baby, baby
When all your love is gone
Who will save me
From all I'm up against out in this world
Maybe, maybe, maybe
You'll find something
That's enough to keep you
But if the bright lights don't receive you
You should turn yourself around
And come on home
I got a hole in me now
yeah,I got a scar I can talk about
She keeps a picture of me
In her apartment in the city
Some things in this world
Man, they don't make sense
Some things you don't need
Until they leave you
And they're things that you miss
Baby, baby, baby
When all your love is gone
Who will save me
From all I'm up against out in this world
Maybe, maybe, maybe
You'll find something
That's enough to keep you
But if the bright lights don't receive you
You should turn yourself around
And come on home
Let that city take you in, come on home
Let that city spit you out, come on home
Let that city take you down, yeah
God's sake turn around
Baby, baby, baby
When all your love is gone
Who will save me
From all I'm up against in this world
Maybe, maybe, maybe
You'll find something
That's enough to keep you
But if the bright lights don't receive you
You should turn yourself around
And come on home
Come on home
Baby, baby, baby
Come on home
Yeah, come on home
Yeah, come on home

Change

I am absence in my life lately because i am too occupied by my sadness. All that i can see or feel is the problem the lost the pain. When you allow yourself to be in constant grief you're stuck with it until you decide to snap out of it. The longer you indulge in sadness, the higher possibility of you victimizing yourself. By embracing the pain you thought you were put in worst case scenario and that they should make a movie out of it. The focus is shifted from fixing the problem to merely how you feel. I hypnotized myself into a victim, forgetting he was the one. I am now waking up to the fact that i have no right to dwell over the situation because i DON'T.

I am changed.
I can barely recognize myself this morning looking through the mirror. I was wearing a one-piece dress, black cardigan and a pair of heels. Oh earrings and makeup too. Pretty and empty. Well everyone figure i must have recovered cause i tilt my head back and laugh, kicking my new heels and wearing makeups. The truth is i enjoy driving alone purposelessly and i took out the Jazon Mraz concert ticket from my purse. Very slowly, on my own pace understanding and accepting the change. The change is inevitable and sudden, is important what i can make out of this situation. I have so much love for him, now i am channeling the love to my family, my friends, my dogs, my work, my dance and still have plenty left for charity. I have been told some really bad news lately i'll pray for them even though i do not believe in god. I wish i could help.

I am grateful that i have a job, a good working environment with some really nice colleagues. Now that i spend most of my time in office i am trying to be more effective and productive. Colleagues gave advices and are really helpful i really appreciate that. My manager is an interesting person blessed with a baby girl lately, although he don't admit there's this fatherly-glowing smile on his face all the time.

Guess i start to realize how much i could miss out if i keep dwelling in the past. I still miss him everyday and i think it is normal, i like him being as a friend now, still concern and we can slowly pick ourselves up. It is a bonus that we are still friends. Thank you for being so forgiving about it.

I forsee a long healing period and some bumps on the road. I know what to do when it comes cause you thought me well.

Jealousy

Jealousy is such hideous act that i will try so hard to be out of it. Again there is no point of doing so now.

Random

Blog a bit before it's time to wash off the mask. Came back really late from work today..thought i'll settle off everything before i leave..cause tomorrow there's more to come. *swt* This week i am officially a first-level support cause the dev team opened a bridge where users can call in with their issues on the tool. Well at least someone to talk to. Yawn *stretch* the office can be so quiet and eerie at night. Was a bit worry walking to the car park alone as i park quite far away today..and when i see my car i felt touched..a lil..at least you're mine, muffin.
Skipped dinner today replaced it with Mamee and Apollo cake...and everything was ruined when mum told me there's Tom Yam istance noodle. Wtf. I'll skip tea tomorrow then,*finger crossed*

Winding Road

Decided to take the winding road tonight. As far as i remember i drove there once before, never at night. Got a best hits CD from The Corrs but i chose my MP4 instead..The Script, Zee Avi and Coldplay. There are some part of the road that street lights are not installed, i step on it anyway. Buses passed by they're closer than they looked, cars headlights are blinding my vision. Yet i step on it..had a glimpse on the dashboard the petrol is running low, dang.

"Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though is breaking.."

My cheek feel stiff from the dried trace of moisture. The crying together with the dry air from air-conditioner gave me a headache..the loud music is piercing my ear drums i pull the earphone out out out.

"light up your face with gladness
hide every trace of sadness
although a tear maybe ever so near.."

Gotta get home before 11.30pm before petrol runs out. A long week with Remedy 7.5 on the go. I canceled off whole week's dance classes and performances, no dance no beer these two weeks. Maybe i'll have more time for reading. Feels a bit vain after yesterday's shopping outing (yet addictive)

Why
My new heels never make me feel taller

"That's the time you must keep on trying
smile what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worth while
If you just smile"

Zee Avi - Smile (Charlie Chaplin Cover)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOoTbkZdQOY

The Script

I was sad again for the past week. You know what i am so sick and tired of it. I have been listening to The Script self-titled album for weeks now and i only repeat 3 songs from that album. Over and over again. The Man Who Can't Be Moved, Breakeven and Before the Worse. Well one common thing among most of the songs from that album is they are dedicated for sore losers who can't move on. I have been a sore loser the past month and i love listening to them. Wasn't practicing very well in compartmentalization these days.
So after getting really tired drinking beer with friend last night, i cried and cried while driving back home. Again i woke up late this morning and while i'm on my way to work, i am annoyed, irritated and disgusted with this loser inside me. I mean what am i expecting? Nothing is going to happen even if i jump off the building now, if he couldn't care he wouldn't care. That's about it so simple, very simple indeed. Whatever that concerns him doesn't concern me anymore. I'm just a friend and i think deep down i am less than a friend because you know..things are different now. I won't expect anything, i really don't. So, i am bitter bitter bitter. (yes i have the right to be bitter too) But that is me while i am alone in my car or when i am sleeping. Stephanie is still doing a good job entertaining the world.
Anyway, just back from training and i am WORN OUT. Basically this is how my life is at the moment. There isn't much time for anything else.
I want to read books
I want to watch movies
I want to take photos
I want to chill with friends
I want to drink beer
I want to travel
I want to stop listening to The Script
I want to drive my car around and around
*
*
*
I want to sleep and hey that's within my control!
Going to bath and sleep now
fuck life

Happy

Sick and tired about being sick and tired.
Let's blog about the GAY-ish thing that happened today.
Well kicking-off the list, i had a breakfast that looks more like a lunch portion this morning. Was hungry last night's dinner was toooo little.. Erm..nothing much about work..again dozed off on the way home...erm ok let's not talk about it..feeling exhausted dragged myself to studio for rehearsal. Oh yeah happyyyy to see Doris she came to see our performance! Pretty girl but it is stressful to have her at the audience seat watching me do whacking. Ahaha.
That's about it i think will blog more when there's more happy event.

可笑

昨晚硬生生地把眼神拉开了
不行 不可以让他看出我的 渴望
反正再怎么对望 结果还是一样
不想让他感到压力
一定要保护自己 唯一的办法就是想开吧
明白接受了 应该就不会再在意
不要伤心了 放不开的一方就是弱者
我不要抱着可笑的希望
可笑 太可笑 不好笑
努力生活着

The Wedding

Hey i did good last night, holding up pretty well and i'm proud of it. For once the faking is for the better good. Saw many familiar faces and i miss every single one of them...especially ah ma. *hugs* Ah ma is a happy grandmother she always smile and she's blessed with caring daughters/son and grandson/granddaughter. I want to be like her when i'm old. I miss talking to ah ma.. Aunty looks pretty last night can barely recognize her *hugs* Aunty Laura and Zen Zi promised to call me up when they make more cakes in the future. *hugs* Mak mak is caring and so kind of her *hugs* The two little boys as usual bugging me about FB games *hugs too* I didn't know the song is still a go it's different now. The food was good there's random jokes and small talks thanks angelina. *hugs* Daniel and Calixta..they are such happy newlyweds! My heart goes out to them can't wait to see the baby. *hugs*
The driving after the dinner was good, purposeless but allowing some alone time for myself. Patting myself on the back i was brave last night, no tearing no nothing. Glad to see that everyone else is happy.

Just tonight

Can't sleep, the eyes with tears are haunting me what have i done
I almost manage to forget his face his smell the hug
then tonight i remember his face his smell the hug
and the eyes with tears
i'm shattered all over again
Tomorrow will be better, when there's work, charity, dance and photography
Morning is always better, afternoon too, evening maybe, but not night.
Night always bring me down
My blogs are mostly written at night thus the melancholy posts
Can't think too much i look silly enough
I just drive and drive need the time alone
cry and cry need the courage to be right
bring it on, life
i'm throwing punches

Updates

Have 2 hours of free time before meeting up with Harpal for dinner. Here i am at Starbucks, coffee mocha, charging my MP4, editing photo, listening to lifehouse and writing blog. Doing it all. Alone but loving it.
Friday night was Grace's birthday and she organized an apartment stay over. Was fun hanging out with the rest and not dancing, haha something new. We watched midnight movies and play games then chit chat before sleep. We slept at 6am. *zzzzz* The next day i have a class before the Hard Rock Hotel performance. It's a blessing that i'm given the opportunity to teach others and happy to see others actually enjoying the class. After the class it was a chaos to rehearsal, makeup, dress up and packing at the same time. Somehow i am starting to get used to life like this. The performance went well i think, wasn't all good but imperfections make the next one even better. FIRE~ ahahaha wtf. Oh did i tell you our costume is like DOPE this time? We're all dressed up formally, i mean like ties and coats and boots and smokey eyes! Good show guys.
When we're done with the show we're exhausted and starving and thirsty. Took dinner around the area and i have Grace to drop me at the Jeti. I need to go over to butterworth to get my car. I am still wearing the performance attire, black trench coat, black dress, boots and deep black smokey eyes. Together with a laptop bag, i am still oncall. Reach Jeti at 10pm and the ferry arrived at 10.30pm wtf, both my personal phone and oncall phone were low batt and everyone is starring at me i don't blame them look what i'm wearing!
Get my car finally my baby i drove back to penang at around 11.30pm...kinda afraid i'll get lost in butterworth my phones they're still low batt. Driving and thinking about money...car payment..maintenance for bro's car...debts and studio fee..it's all i think about lately. Also moron's message telling me to take time..i suppose.

Isssh

Argh, bad decision making nowadays.
I speed the X times this week rushing for training
Drove around town at midnight yesterday purposeless
Staying up late almost everyday
Rather sleep than bathing my poor doggy
*
*
*
Aaarrggghhhh getting sick
luckily the lump on my neck is gone...still dunno what it is
will TRY to sleep earlier tonight

Doggy

I miss that little doggy..i wonder how is she doing. Hugs

Random

The door that shut down is trying to open from within. Like an old ship water is leaking slowly and dangerously. Suppressing everything in down under beneath. Try not to bother, thinking leads to action and actions affect others. Forgive me i have to write it our here i am tired of explaining to others...i just want to talk to myself.
I can't be bothered with my guilt i can't go there or i'll be forever sucked in. Doing whatever that's right, again. So tired, i am not sure if i am up to the standard i have for myself, the things i want to achieve things i want to fix. But this is just the beginning of the redemption journey..i need courage from within. Still under the paranoid criticism on myself, it was something the incident left me with. I fight every thought of me minding what people think about me, i can't be bothered now. I have always care, not now. Doesn't mean i chose a road against the norm of life, i just need to protect myself from my emotion and move on. Be better, see?
Funny thing is now i feel silly for being dramatic previously. What for it will only annoy people. I will deal with my own issue, not expecting anything from anyone letting it be.
I need beer
I need money
I need some sleep
Night Sam

Night out

We are performing at Hard Rock Cafe tomorrow for their soft opening =)
As usual training carried out at studio we are doing this 70's dance thingy it's hilarious. Imagine our guys are performing the Grease Lightning song haha John Travolta still the best.
Uncle Ky Mun sms and asked me out for a drink at Soi11 after training, together were his clients and friends. I am the only one went with a laptop bag and Digi broadband, *shame* i'm oncall. The music wasn't my kinda choice it was all trance i'm bored. I look around. Why do people come here? Cigarrates? Alcohol? Dance? Socializing? I guess most of them don't really know why they are here, so am i.

Zee Avi - Somone You Used to Know

It was helpless anyway
There's nothing much we could do or say
Darling don't you think it's a shame?
that it had to end this way

So here's to say goodbye,
our love is lost, and we cant figure why
maybe it really is about time
that we finally made up our minds

So Darling, here's to you
i hope that when you find someone new
that she would always be true to you
to love and understand you

Soon you'll build new memories
then slowly you'd forget about me
then i would slowly be
a distant memory

*Soon i'll just be
that someone you used to know
But darling you will thank me
for letting you go
time is not for wasting
i hope you'll find your intended
But i'm sorry
that your intended isn't me

it's not an easy thing
to shake off our history
i know that's what you want from me
but they will always stay with me

i admit i made mistakes
but darling with you it's just the same
if we stay there will be more to make
i dont know how much more we can take

Darling, it would be unfair
to stay with something no longer there
but it doesn't mean i no longer care
but i'd feel like a burden you can't bear

Random Update

Missed my alarm and the Sev 2 alert this morning. Shit. Sleeping proves to be a pain in the ass lately, confusing dreams are keeping my messed up brain awake, i woke up feeling crappy and grumpy.
Turn on the "auto-pilot" mode and i'm good to go, to the office. (was running late again *blush*)
Today was...not very productive in general, can definitely close more tickets and finish that Remedy 7.5 online training. Erm slightly distracted...i shouldn't have given it more than a thought..
Andrew forgot to bring the books, again. *dush*
Meet up and have dinner at Old Town, never like the food there. Calm and emotionless.
The thought about the wedding dinner worries me, lou dao ask me why i want to place myself in situation like this. "It's not about me, it's about the wedding couple on that night...(x100)"
*
Taking baby steps
*
Getting occupied
*
Doing things right
*
Planning on million other things i want to execute them all. Not knowing exactly why i am alive eating shitting sleeping working i just...still doing it.
*

Friend

I lost a friend
Because you do not agree with what i have done
I lost a friend
I am still your friend
I won't explain there's no excuses
I hope we can still be friend

Compartmentalization

Was wanting to do some online learning for work project but the training media player would not load. Issh. Creating hundreds of ticket tomorrow complaining!
Was talking to grace the other day and she told me how guys handle their emotions. They compartmentalize it. No matter what happen they make sure one doesn't affect any other aspect of their life. While for girls, it is a big bowl of mixed feelings. Very true and not healthy. If you can do so why can't i? I took a shot. Well i must say it really work..i stop thinking about him and love and us. I just, you know, being emotionless. I packed my feelings and buried it somewhere deep down where it doesn't hurt. Miracle! I feel nothing..and that i think is good.
For the nights..it is still a lil hard as mind wander off easily. I still cry but wasn't that much now, for i am getting numb. I am going through each day doing things that i think is right(i hope i'm right this time) and not think about anything else.
I love you
no don't think about it
I miss you
no u don't think about it
I'm worry about you
no you worry about you and family and friends first
*
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alright alright i get it
Just do it

Random

If you can see me cry the way i did that night and not do anything(you couldn't)
it is no longer my call to save this relationship

Don't Take Me too Seriously

I still want us back
I still believe in our love
I still miss you every single non-occupied bit in my brain
But i was told it doesn't matter what i want what i think
It is not up to me now
I know what i have promised
But i don't see a reason to live
well
Nor i can find a way to die
I just couldn't see the road ahead
Maybe i will one day maybe i will not
I don't want to say positive thing just to please others
No one can help
I can only help myself
If i want to
Stay tune

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

Random

I was standing in Tesco surrounded by people
I think i had an anxiety attack
Not only i'm afraid to bump into anyone i know
i'm afraid of the strangers walking around me
as if the whole world knew what i have done
and that they agree i'm a sinner
my hands grip tighter to the bottle i'm holding
a rush of fear came from within
my body won't stop shaking
I flee from the place
thought it would be better when i get home
no, my body still won't stop shaking
my sense of self had shattered
i destroyed my confident when i made the wrong decision
for i am a worthless piece of shit
i am closing down the doors
to avoid hurting anyone else i care
for i feel like a poisonous snake
i sat for hours tried to understand my fear and ways to pick up the pieces
i got nothing
i miss him
i know it must be harder for him now
i am sorry
I remember he said sometimes we just have to DO IT
guess that's what i'll do for now
DO life

Random

I almost lost the courage to wake up for work today
HOW WHY WHEN
I lost faith
mostly in myself
Keeping an observant heart
onto every move every thought every decision
such a waste
all we have had
i'm so sorry

Random

I am jumpy
Not knowing what will happen
Everything is showing negative signs
An old friend read my blog and sent me an encouraging message almost bring me to tears
Occupy myself with work so i can get things done and distract myself from tearing
Slowly picking up pieces that never seems to make sense before
Now i know
I understand
I put it in action
I talk to myself
Try to accept, just in case...

SHIT

I feel like shit
Listening to Zee Avi's "Someone you used to know" and the tears just came out of nowhere every drops of them makes me ashamed
Don't have tissue in my cubicle it wasn't prepared for this occasion. I feel hopeless and sad sorta have this feeling that it's not coming back, he's not coming back.
I am still trying to work things out, being around, making nervous jokes, little talk....holding on to every little faith left in this guilty mind. Trying to get through, trying to penetrate your walls of principles, desperately seek for any sign of hope. I felt cold and numbness non-responding hugs but i ain't giving up.
I feel like shit but i ain't giving up.

Random

Went to Borders yesterday during lunch time. I was sitting at my cubicle whole morning couldn't find an answer for myself. I thought i could get some help from books. I went through shelves of books searching for any of them with "Responsibility" or "Commitment" in the title, i couldn't find any. Guess there's lesson that they don't teach in book, but in life itself.

Wrong

I betrayed when i send that sms i sent. It is a decision without consideration. It's selfish and wrong. I am wrong. Life has been giving me much chances and it did me good when it gave me him. Now it's all gone because the trust has been betrayed. As much as i hate to know this, it will never be the same again. It might not even come back again. I know how tough it will be if i loose him, so as for him, but the damage is done. Forgiveness is not something i can demand for, even if i can, it will never be forgotten. If you can't forget you can't trust anymore. It's not something you do and regret and get over with. You live with it the rest of your life. My mistake is the biggest mocking to his life chanllenging all the principles that define him. How can i ruin what defines him?
I would do everything anything to get another chance which i don't deserve..without him, there'll not be any air in my lungs, sense in my thoughts..
I will never be the same, for i know what i have done and now what i will loose. Growing up is no longer an option.

Dreaming with a Broken Heart

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
Then waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with her crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

Now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my , roses in my hands?

Would you get them if i did?
No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part

My Father

My dad is a piece of work. There, i have said it.
Go to hell.

-Forecast-

My forecast tells me that it's going to be a tough month ahead..uhm ok it's until the end of the year.

Work starts, dancing continues, maintaining relationship...money problem. *gulp* The first few months of salary will be donated to the "debt" fund...then will talk about savings, more savings and after all, i hope there's still penny left for vacation. The worries are getting to me. Oh i forgot to mention, i'll need to get my own car soon enough. Fair enough i've been driving my brother's car for over a year and a half now...time to have my own baby.

Things that i need to do, i got it.

V.O.I.D

A lil tired
A lil disappointed
A lil sad

Like i would never be good enough
It's not about my intention i just did it wrong
all the time?
not sure if i can keep it up with you
i will try my best
for better or worse

growing up..

Random Update

Just came back from KL...tired...muscles pain..but worth it. I think i've learn quite a bit about different dance's basic, like raggae. I like raggae =) I like going to the gymnastic place too, i think i will learn how to do front flip in da future, one step at a time! I shall work hard on my "baby roll" first, lmao. Met some dancers with really cool shoes...i want one too...(maybe not just one) i actually took some pics on those shoes, maye i will upload it when i'm free.
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Now hanging at Kean's house waiting for him to come back....zzz. Playing restauran city and chatting with an ex-colleague, miss her. Hugs. Oh she just left to go mandi. I'm alone again! =(
Wait for my pictures about the cool shoes. ^_^

Lovely Day

What a b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l sunday. =) I love today what a wonderful day because i get to see him, yes, none other than my beloved boyfriend. *Hugs*

Pardon me if you have now vomited out your previous meal but it has been long since i get to spend more than 6 hours a day with him. Mainly because of our different working schedule. He works on the day time and i have dance training and classes on the night. Saturday is my turn taking care of the studio and my classes are from 11am-12pm and 4pm-5pm. Mostly if we could we'll meet up for dinner. Morever my performances usually land on the weekend hence sometimes i can hardly see him in a week. SOB!

Well not today. =) Although i have a performance at Eagle Point church but it was on the morning. Kean fetched me after that for lunch and then we went for a movie. (We haven't step foot in cinema for months!) Simply enjoy spending time together, just being with him. I love today!

Next week i will be going down to KL for around 4 days attending Urban Groove's dance workshop, gonna miss him badly. I hope we can catch up a lil' on Tuesday before i leave...*hugs* sigh

Growing up!

It has been quite a while since the last update..lazy ass me. Well i decided to start blogging again with short articles, brief update is better than none.

Two incidents happened today that teaches me the same lesson, I have to speak up my mind. How ironic it is that after all the Oprah Winfrey shows that i watched discussed about that it never get into my mind when shit happens. I admit i am one of those typical women that avoids confrontation. Well no more. I've decided to make my opinion counts, by saying it OUT LOUD.
Hmmm so many things to learn in so little time, i need to grow up faster. Oh did i forget to mentioned i'm 24 turning 12? Wtf good luck to me.

Another jobless day

I dreamt that i killed someone last night. Pretty scary for a Sunday night's dream. I was so glad when i opened my eyes this morning and realized that it's was just a dream...so do i hope for my worries.
v_v
Bad day. My wisdom tooth is aching and i'm sick. Had a lil disagreement with him last night and the reason i used the word "disagreement" is because is not even a fight, it's just different opinion over an issue. It does bother me more than a fight, how can we overcome our differences my dear?
Felt degraded for asking some help from others. Not that anyone felt reluctant to help but i'm not familiar with asking help. Furthermore is a big favour i'm requesting. Thanks for landing a helping hand my friends..
v_v
Shared some views with an old friend this afternoon. Sometimes we just need YOU to be here, not all your opinions and advices. Are we too immature to hope for some emotional comfort or romantic gesture? There's no room for me if i don't fit in to your principles? There's always rules and regulations and logic and principles if i did wrong? How about a break for me? I'm getting frust i know, pardon me.

But the thing is, i don't argue with you, cause rules and facts are always right.

Pictures

A few weeks ago someone commented that my blogs are having more words than pictures which is a boring factor. Well, although i don't really agree with it but i suppose i can add in a few pictures in this post. ^_^

3 something in the afternoon,while everyone is working their asses off in their tiny lil cubicle, i'm home goyang kaki reading friend's blog. My dear lichoo's blog is basically a place to review all her makeups kits and her fantasy over more makeup items. She adores MAC, so am i. Is funny to read her fetish over her MAC brush set. =D Another new brand i love, Benefit. Saw one of the items from TV, "Body So Fine", a velvet body balm:


According to Benefit official website, "This flirtatiously scented body balm is pure body seduction. Slip some on to arms, legs, decollete, anywhere you want luminescent luxury. The silky velvet finish is slightly naughty and totally irresistible...its all you will want to wear!

Tips and tricks: The fragrance of white blossoms is like an aphrodisiac!

Now i can't afford to make the purchase, maybe when i get myself a job first. *wink*

Then automitically i click on my firefox bookmarks for Moook's multiply page to see if there's any new pics uploaded by him. My gifted photographer friend. While browsing through the page i was surprised to see our old photos there:

*To the left!*

(Left to right : Yew Ching, me, Moook)

*Olympic poster*

(Left to right: Yew Ching & me)

*Youth*

(Look no further, is me in the pictures)

It was fun the old days when we're close. Now Moook's has arised to a whole new level with his groups of photographer friends and myself, too busy with dance and boyfriend. Guess it needs a lil effort to be back with the good old days.

Moook's Blog : http://www.moook.co.nr/

Finally, feeling a bit gatal to see Moook with his high-end camera and picture perfect blog. Maybe i'll show you a lil of my own work, produced mostly from borrowed-camera. =p

(first piece taken with Moook's camera)

(Brownie taken with my Sony Erricson)

(Sony Erricson again)

(SE again, wonder if this is a nice shot but my niece is just too cute!)

(Chao lang's camera)

(Chao lang's camera again)

(Chao lang's cam...)

Ok i think it has been a rather long post, let's just stop here and let me know what do you think about the pictures! =)